A Deeper Shade of Blue. (Steps, 1999).

At some point in our lives most of us, (if we have not done so already) encounter a situation or emotion that we will not know how to find a way out of like we usually would do. For me, this recently has been homesickness. At least, that’s what I think it was. Every situation is different, it’s wrong to compare them because we all react in different ways. No two people will be effected in the same way. The challenge is overcoming it and I want to share this because to quote embarrassing bodies, “there’s no shame, we’re all the same!”

Taking Over Me.

It is true that stars can’t shine without darkness. Why am I suddenly singing the blues? Because as much fun as living in a foreign country (ESP the USA) where you don’t know anyone is- the adjustment is so much harder than I expected. My best friends are the most extraordinary people I’ve ever known. They’re my bank of trust that lacks judgement of my words and actions. I’m not a clingy person but it’s nice to have someone blowing up your phone screen every once in a while. YET, I’m a lover of personal space. And if you infringe it too much I’ll most likely let you know about it. I don’t want to feel like a suffocated puppy. I’m 19 not 9 months. In the past I’ve always gone with the line “trust people until they give you a reason not to”, but with time, age and experience I’ve come to believe that “one bad apple spoils the bunch.” People are never who they say they are. Period. If they bitch with you they bitch about you it’s what you sign up for when you let your tongue loose and make a few razor blade remarks about someone else. “If you strike the match, you’re bound to feel the flame.” Trust is a trade. If you’re not getting your end of the deal then you know you’re being ripped off. If you haven’t picked up on it yet, yes I most certainly do have what is known as Pistanthrophobiaa fear of trusting another person due to negative past experiences. Even when I do trust people, once I’ve opened my mouth my mind is silently nagging at me “why why why?!” But I’m getting over it, like all big girls do. Dry your eyes, reapply your lipstick and seize the day once more.

Go Compare.

In Australia my family were my friends. I didn’t need to go out and meet people- it wasn’t why I was there. Maybe it is my fault as I refuse to pay an extortionate amount of money to join a sorority. I’m sure it’s great to be a part of something like that but it’s definitely not me. The age gap is an underlying factor. For example in England we’re an adult by law at 18 and it’s 21 in the USA. Hence at times I feel like I’m older because I became an “adult” sooner, even though I’m technically younger. I’m not older but I’m most definitely wiser! It’s not the people or place I miss, it’s the factors of familiarity and independence. This statement may come as a surprise as those who know me are aware that I let my tongue run away with me at times and using sarcasm as a defence mechanism “makes everything ten times worse” according to one of my best friends. I’ve always been the one friend to organise things and make an effort to talk to people. I can talk for England, that’s not a problem for me. But my word it’s draining. ESP when England is so far away! I always say “be the friend you want to have” but if they try harder than I do I will make the medal myself and shake their hand!

Read All About It.

“Attachment is what may ruin your life,” I once re-grammed on Instagram. Weakness is needing and needing is weakness. I’ve not got a fear of commitment, it’s a fear of attachment. Nothing lasts forever. Getting to know someone is like winding up a coil of wire. And then when it ends you have to unwind the coil like you never knew them in the first place. (Taylor Swift- Red). I don’t like my time being wasted. I’m my own worst enemy. My worst critic. My worst cynic. I don’t want to be another statistic. If I’m not going to do everything I want to in this life then why bother?  A virtual stranger stated to me the other day “Are you ever actually at home? You’re always going somewhere.” Whilst my friends have said this before, this remark caught me off guard that day. I am around, just not for the convenience of another. I have a life full of ambitions and the need to fulfil them is intoxicating. When you’re around nobody wants to know, then suddenly once you’re not in close proximity anymore, it’s as if you distance made you a “somebody.” My favourite Daughtry quote “Only when I’m gone have I been away too long” really has never been truer.

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining.

One day I decided that confidence doesn’t grow on trees therefore if you want to get anywhere in life you need to plant your own seed of confidence and nurture it. I don’t want anyone poisoning my tree, they don’t grow overnight. I decided last night that as the pilot of my own life, I can either sink or swim this feeling out. But I’ve come too far to succumb to it. I’ve broken family records and I know that my Granddad would be so incredibly proud to know his Granddaughter has achieved so much, so young, so quickly. I’ve got the rest of my life to spoon my friends as the outrageous inappropriate level of our friendships grow and solidify themselves further on my heart. I’ve got the rest of my life to go to soccer matches, eat beans on toast and drive my car. What I haven’t got for the rest of my life, is opportunities like this one. This is a test on my emotional wellbeing, and physical if you include the fast food culture (haha) and I’m determined to make it out alive.

Sometimes honesty is the best policy. It might not get you who or what you want in life but it WILL get you who and what you NEED. Onwards and upwards! I hope that in publishing this that if someone else out there feels anything of the same way that you don’t feel alone. As Jordin Sparks once said, “have a little faith.” xoxoxox


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