I went to see my Nan alone one sunny Sunday evening on my own. I felt that it was important that I went alone. I remember that Nanny talked about random things and I went along with it. I told her random things about my life that I knew she wouldn’t remember just to keep her engaged. When the doctors and nurses came round for the routine checks, Nanny became unsettled. She always does now with people she does not know. I talked to my Nan whilst they did what they needed to do in regards to changing her etc. and they said that she was so much calmer in my presence. They jokingly asked if I ‘could come more often and sit with the other patients.’ My Nan would always tell people how ‘clever’ her grandchildren were and the doctor started to ask me about my degree. She was really impressed about my time studying abroad (Mississippi isn’t your typical place to study abroad, let’s face it haha) and that she wanted her daughter to follow in my footsteps. I was hugely flattered by her words. It was obvious even through the dementia that we were my Nan’s pride and joy.
I sat with my Nan watching Wimbledon after that (it was something we used to do together at her house) before making my way back to Burbage for dinner. As I was leaving the ward, my Nan was watching me walk away and kept repeatedly shouting “I LOVE YOU!” I stopped at the door of the ward and shouted back “I love you too Nanny.” The making of eye contact was like a window into her soul, her way of telling me that she was still in there and she loved me very much. It was a hugely heart-warming moment for me. It was like the sun had briefly reassuringly shone on my back and tried to fill a section of the cracks in my heart. ♥
February 5th 2017
It feels strange saying that I have come to terms with how things are now. In fact, it feels incredibly cold but I feel as though I have done some of my grieving already. The old equilibrium of my life before May 2016 has gone and I have come to accept the new equilibrium because in both of them, I get to have my Nan in my life and that will always be priceless. That isn’t to say that I won’t be devastated when I don’t get to have her in my life anymore, but I am coping a lot better than I was before. I’ve come to realise that being so devastated about the sudden decline of my Nan’s health was a sign of how blessed I’d been to have so many memories of and with her. And even with this new equilibrium, I’m blessed that I still get make more.
Tomorrow is never guaranteed, so savour the sweetness of your yesterdays. ♥
-Lisa Berrie 2017.