It Really Makes Me Wonder… Midnight Ramblings of a Rusty Mind

There is a meme (if that is even the right word for a recycled tweeted statement) that I see recycled through the realms of different Facebook pages every so often that says something like ‘shout out to those of us who didn’t plan to live this long and don’t know what to do with themselves.’ I can’t find it to quote directly, but the point I’m making is that I remembered it because it really resonated with me. ‘I felt that’, you could say. And those that have ever experienced that level of depression will have felt that too. In some ways it means every moment/event I experience is an addition to the selection of bonus features to the film of my life because it was/will be borderline spontaneous. And in some ways, it’s a cop out because anything and everything is an achievement in itself. For me, being able to travel and speak about seeing certain things is the way I view my achievements. Sure, anyone can do it but it is never the same experience for each person, even if they take the same trip in the same order. My photos might not be mine alone, but my experience belongs to me. Whilst I was away in Lithuania, my friend Gahan asked me if anybody had messaged me from back home to see how I was getting on. The answer was no and he couldn’t get his head around it. In a strange way it was almost a rude awakening for both of us: he realised I’m not the social butterfly I pretend to be, and I realised how important I am not. And I guess that was the first trigger in really making me wonder about the point of things.

Every day of 2019, I feel like I just woke up. Without warning, it’s suddenly November 2019 and I somehow sleepwalked through all of it in my head. I know that I went to x,y,z concert/ country but without the photos to document it, I don’t really remember it in the way I would expect. It could have happened last year, it isn’t any different in my head. All I know is that I continue to feel bland and pointless like a margherita pizza. Everyone wonders what they are doing here and why, but I know that it is different for me. I really do feel like a waste of space/ time, and that is not me being hard on myself. I’m edging closer to 25 and I’m not really any different to the person I was when I was 19 mentally. I thought I would eventually ‘figure it out’; as if somehow it would all fall into place. Actually, I thought that had already happened two years ago but sometimes you get schooled into believing that nothing is forever. People love to tell you that ‘you’ll meet someone’ but honestly, I don’t even want to. The idea of even finding the energy to strike that match depletes me and it wouldn’t be fair to waste someone’s time like that. Anyway, the point I am getting at is that I have no purpose and I don’t think God meant for me to have one. I often feel how Alyssa sounds in The End of the F**king World: bland. I’m going through the motions of another year with some new faces, saving money for a future that I never intended to have. I realised very recently how we as people can never just enjoy the moment/ stage we are in and that further heightened my thoughts on really questioning what the point of life is if you can never take an actual moment to pause. We always have to be striving to the next big thing, whether it is a relationship, increased salary, social event, fitness goal etc.

It really makes me wonder what the point of anything is when nothing I do is enough. I could do my job perfectly and there is always someone to find a flaw in it. I could give everything to a relationship and it would still fail. I could get a degree and it won’t matter because it isn’t in a subject that is deemed as necessary to the future of society. I could just be me and still be viewed as a disappointment. I could be kind and genuine with every person I meet, and someone would still have a problem being friends with a particular person. It really makes me wonder what the point in it all is if you’re never going to be up to scratch. To quote Maroon 5’s Makes Me Wonder (the song that inspired this title) ‘I’ve been here before, one day I’ll wake up and it won’t hurt anymore.’ But I know what I bring to the table, and I’d rather just stay in bed.